A Beginner's Guide To Stalking

1. Pick Your Victim

Some people will tell you that preparation is the key and they are not completely wrong. It is also true that you can learn much from watching a few episodes of Crimewatch, the odd Crime Scene Investigation and selected films by the late Alfred Hitchcock. One thing you can definitely learn early is that if the worst should happen, that is to say the police are called, you should be able to walk away without the finger of blame pointing straight at you.

The simplest way to do this is to pick someone at random. This afternoon take a walk into your local town or city centre. Sit on a bench or lean against a lamppost. Count to two hundred and fifty and then start following the first person of the opposite sex who comes into your line of sight.

2. Follow Her Home

Let’s face it – stalkers are traditionally men but this is not always the case. Women make superb stalkers just although the popular media has yet to canonise its first same-sex stalker* perhaps they will be lucky enough to have perused this guide to get them into the business. In the meantime we will assume that the object of your random affection is a lady and just get on with it.

It’s not difficult – there are people squirming from the woodwork wherever you turn. If she walks – keep three people behind her. If she gets on the bus or other forms of public transport just get on and sit somewhere, anywhere behind her. If she drives then you have two options; either jump into your preferred mode of transport and haul arse after her or scratch that one and go back to point one. Only this time count to fifty or it may get tedious.

3. The Beauty of the Interweb

Ah, the interweb… The junior stalker’s best friend. One computer communicating seamlessly with another. Information exchanged, conversations partaken, relationships started.

Once you know where she lives just have a look through her window. If she is a Microsoft princess – read on, if not go straight to point four.

Now remember – Google is your Queen. If you treat her well she will return the favour. Treat her badly and she will tear out your eyes and skull-fuck you into an early grave. Let’s assume you tickled her circuitry just right and she slid you what you needed. Now use it, observe your target and establish her routine, ingratiate yourself into her chatrooms and harvest her habits. Mimic her modes of speech. Either that or just try to get her into a cyber-sextet and move on to…

4. Physical Contact

We’re talking pants. And not in the way Americans talk about pants. Washing line; undergarments, knickers, braziers, perhaps a blouse if you’re feeling adventurous. Inhale deeply of their vapours, imbibe her essence because this is as close as you will get.

Unless you go through her bins.

The rubbish that is thrown away can lead to many things. Cigarette butts so that you can smoke her brand. Magazines so you can know what she knows. Empty takeaway cartons so you can eat where she has eaten and what she has eaten.

And the rest?

Well that’s up to you.

*Correct at time of going to press