Hi. Don’t be scared – this is exactly who you think it is. We are the voices in your head. Yes, I realise this is the first time that we’ve been in touch but until now we haven’t felt that you warranted intervention.
Intervention? Well that means when one person steps in to prevent another person doing something. Or in this case when one person steps in to prevent the same person doing something. I’m surprised you don’t know that because – oh never mind. Anyway I bet you’re wondering why I sound like the voice in your head when you read aren’t you? Well that’s an interesting one…
What do you mean you don’t read!? But you are at least aware of what your own voice sounds like I assume? Or are you just so gratingly stupid that it has never really registered before?
Listen, I’m sorry I shouted at you. Please, you don’t have to sit in the corner. And the rocking back and forth is making me nauseous. I didn’t realise – you must get the same thing? You don’t know what ‘nauseous’ means do you?
I hate to bang on about it but we really should have the same vocabulary you know. Vocabulary? You don’t know that one either?
Well, not to worry, the reason I’m here is to get you started on your path. You see, from time to time I’ll intervene – yes, well done that’s what intervene means. Anyway I’ll intervene and give you an idea, a task, a purpose, something like that and then you’ll do it. Let’s not worry about the whys and wherefores – we’ve noticed that there is a woman who lives in the flat across from you and she has her milk delivered. Well we want you to steal it.
Yes, every day. Of course it makes sense – milk deliveries are considered ‘old fashioned’ by the powers that be. As a result they make people feel a warm and fuzzy sense of nostalgia. This won’t do, so we are part of the contingent – I mean we are part of the team sent to deal with it. No, not those powers, the ones downstairs.
No, not the Friedman family downstairs, we are talking a lot further down that that. Yes, even further down than Mr Evesham. Wait, can I just put you on hold for a minute I really need to check something.
Ah, I see, there’s been a bit of a mix up. We aren’t the voices in your head, we are the voices in someone else’s head. Your paperwork got sent through accidentally, honestly it could have happened to anyone. Frequently does to be honest. Anyway best forget all that stuff about the milk.